Stuff that some people somewhere (might possibly) like.

When I was a child, growing up in the wild, treeless plains of the Serengeti, I would watch people being led in to the street to be hanged for not being able to “tahlk propah”. Now I am older, wiser, with a larger portfolio of credit card debt, I find that this childhood experience has blossomed in to a fully-fledged mistrust of anyone that uses expressions such as things, wotsitsname, or stuff.

And now  I hear (with my eye-ears, courtesy of The Guardian) that some Canadians (yes, I said CANADIANS) have become famous doing just this.

Syrup-guzzlers Christian and Myles have thoughtfully complied a list of people, items, hobbies and lifestyle choices favoured by the modern caucasian. You know, because social commentary is, like,  so in right now. Their list, published online in blog medium, was chanced upon* by a publisher and – bing bang bong (terms which will perhaps feature as future items on the list), fame came a’knocking.

And, since the English language is composed of just seventy-three words, choosing a noun which concisely and accurately grouped this miscellaneous matter into an accessible concept was tricky. But while Roget wept, this pair of hosers settled on, Stuff white people like.

Now, I acknowledge that this appellation is intentionally vague, thus offering a further critique of our time, in a sort of post-modern social commentary sort of way. But I don’t like it. Or rather, I am jealous of the success and five minutes they have earned themselves and now, since it is what the internet was invented for, I am flaming them.

So, while I am breaking into a canter on my high horse, perhaps I could suggest another item for said list.

#130: Using unnecessarily ambiguous words.

E.g, stuff.

As in, “Oi Shazmay, ’ave you got thingie’s work stuff in your motor?” 

Sometimes a vague word (almost exclusively limited to “thing”) or group of words (i.e a metaphor) acts as a viable substitute for something taboo, illegal or disgusting, should one wish to, say, avoid arrest or embarrassing an elderly relative. THIS IS THE ONLY INSTANCE IN WHICH IT IS ACCEPTABLE.

As in, “John can you get me five of those things before I go to Big Chill”, or “Grandma, Dad’s been having a bit of a thing with Deborah your cleaning woman”.

Naturally there are, in my opinion, far worse crimes against vocabulary. However, until Big Media reports on a three-legged cat getting famous of the back of its popular podcast, Gobbledegook, I will keep schtum.

Bon weekend!

 

*Presumably porn is something Whitey** likes and thus , might be something he might Google while bored. Hence, one might assume its being included on the list – combined with the magic and wonderment of SEO – meant Hardie Grant ‘discovered’ the next best thing.

**Yes, I have been reading Michael Moore books of late, in case you were wondering.

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